It’s been a year since I posted. Not because there’s been nothing to say, but life took an unexpected and significant turn one year ago. The details of this change don’t need to be recorded here, except to say that it was work related and resulted in what turned out to be a year long adjustment and a new way of living. And here we are, one year later, and I finally have a moment to sit here with my laptop pondering on our life with two small – but ever growing – children.

Last time I wrote, I had an almost four year old, and a very nearly 2 and a half year old. Now of course, they are nearly five, and approaching 3 and a half, and what a difference one year makes.

Livi is now bossing her way through Reception, and doing a smashing job with her phonics, numbers, and writing her name (and her friends’ names) and Toby has joined the nursery at the same school and can also, to my astonishment and delight, write his name too! They are both thriving at school and I’m chuffed to bits about it, as that’s not everyone’s story, of course.

So what are my current parenting challenges? Well, I’ll tell you. Liv (almost 5) is testing every boundary known to man. And doesn’t listen. Like, ever. And Toby, who was fully toilet trained within 2 weeks of starting school nursery, now has ‘accidents’ at least two times a day every day, because he’s busy and can’t be bothered to tell us he needs a wee. Oh, and also doesn’t listen. Like, ever.

I never wanted to be a shouty mum, and before kids I think I subconsciously judged parents who seemingly couldn’t control their children. I didn’t know I was doing that, but I always had this idea of the mum I would be. Alas. LOL. Sometimes I shout just to be heard. Sometimes I shout to make a point. Sometimes I should because I’m losing my mind and just WANT YOU TO GET YOUR TOP ON!!!

My children are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and one year on from my last post, I can tell you I am seeing sooooo much more of their characters and personalities, their preferences and desires, their goals and their learning styles and I am overwhelmed and overjoyed by the wonder of who they are. And, thanks to grow clocks, I am also sleeping a little better as they don’t come in to our room until 6.25am each morning… which is a MIRACLE.

Life is different, and wonderful. But no less challenging than it was one year ago. And to all you awesome parents out there who are wondering if you are alone, if you’re the only ones going through what you’re going through, let me tell you, you are not.

I’m a huge over sharer, and I love to engage on a real, honest and deep level with the people in my circle – usually mums the same situation as me. So I hear a lot from other mums about how they’re doing. And you know what I’ve realised? Yes, mum guilt / shame is a real thing, but actually, the thing that we feel the most is a deep disappointment in our own parenting. Every day I am disappointed in myself for one reason or another. Every day I do or say something that I instantly regret. But my LOVE for my children is without end and without limit. WHY do I say, or do, things that I am disappointed in myself for?! Because I’m a tired human with traumas and challenges and issues of my own, that will shape my responses to my own glorious, triggering, wonderful, frustrating, miniature versions of myself that I am responsible for 24/7.

They are a GIFT from God to us, and I would literally die for them. In an instant. But also, EAT YOUR DAMN TEA. I would defend them from every attacker at the cost of my life, my reputation, my dignity. But also, PUT YOUR FRIGGIN SHOES ON.
I would give up every single thing I have if it would benefit them somehow. But also, CLEAN YOUR TEETH OR THEY’RE GONNA FALL OUT!

Parenting NEVER relents.

It doesn’t give you a break.

And I had no idea at all of the intenseness of this reality until I birthed my eldest, and from that first moment with a newborn in the hospital, until today, I have not stopped giving every ounce of myself to their wellbeing. It is costly. Unbelievably costly. I’m not complaining, I’m just acknowledging. I don’t regret it, I just realise I had NO IDEA until it was my reality. I wouldn’t change it. I was about to say I just wish someone would have told me… but even that would not have given me any clue as to the level of sacrifice it takes to be a parent.

So, I don’t have a theme, or a summary, or a clever conclusion to these musings, what’s written speaks for itself. But to those of you in a similar boat – my friends, you are not alone. You are not weird, you are not failing, you are not crap… you are giving your all to the mini you(s) in your life, and as unseen and unappreciated as you may feel, you are their world, and they love you more than life itself. That is a treasure worth everything. Keep going. You’re doing good.

Everyone is doing their best with what they know and the tools they have. Be kind. Mostly, to yourself. ❤