This is so true! Already I’m planning for Livi’s 4th birthday, and she was only born 15 minutes ago. My tiny wee girl who had me up 10 times a night, every night, for almost 2 years straight and I thought I’d never sleep again, is heading to school in September… how is that even possible?!
I was chatting with a colleague recently, a dad who has older boys, and he was waxing lyrical about how quickly it all goes by. He stopped working for a number of years in order to raise his lads, and he took on other people’s kids too, as a childminder. Telling me stories about rushing here there any everywhere to get the shopping in and get them from nursery and do all the things a parent has to do in the 24 hours a day we are given. And yet now, with his lads in their twenties, how quickly that time went by.
I was grateful for the reminder. The days can feel sooooo long that you’re praying for bedtime to come, but at the same time, Liv’s going to school in September, and I know that once we enter that stage of life, it’s just going to fly by. School days, extra curricular activities, play dates, going to friends’ for dinner… whilst the challenges of parenting remain, I have a feeling I’m going to be desperate for the passing of time to slow down.
Friends who have little girls who are 8 now, sending me photos with captions about how big they are and how they wish they’d stop growing.
I’ve experienced many things in life, I’ve had many opportunities before settling down into marriage and babies, but nothing compares to the fragility and joy of how I have felt as a parent. I’ve seen the worst and the best of myself. I’ve had that desperate “stop the world I want to get off!” feeling, and that deep knowing that I would die for my kids if it came to it. Most days I collapse into bed absolutely wrecked, and so thankful the day is done, but then scroll through photos of my babies whilst missing them when they’re asleep.
I don’t think there’s anything that can compare to it. The highs and lows of this extraordinary rollercoaster called parenting. And I guess depending on your own upbringing, expectations, experiences, filters, culture, and so on, each of us will judge ourselves differently, and have different values for what ‘successful’ parenting looks like. And when I miss the mark that I have subconsciously set myself, that’s when I become my most fragile – because I care more deeply about loving my children well than about anything else, and my apparent failures in that area can knock me for six.
BUT! Simply knowing that that is the case, tells me I’m not doing too badly, because my kids are kind, affectionate, brave, clever, creative, silly, cheeky, hilariously funny at times, and they care about other people. They can be proper little monkeys of course, but that’s the universal right of kids, isn’t it!
It’s emotionally draining, and in the early years at least, it’s physically draining too, but oh my goodness, it is SO worth it. I’m reminding myself to not wish the time away, even though it can be difficult, but to savour every precious moment of them needing and wanting me, because I know it’s not going to last forever.
Mama, please just be yourself. Be your best self, for your little ones, but be yourself. And actually, you amazing dads who just want to do your very best for your kids, same goes for you!
It’s just starting to dawn on me that the best way I can be consistent in my parenting, is to actually be me. No parent is perfect, no method is fool proof, no technique is guaranteed, and no particular style has the same effect on every child. So rather than add to the confusion by trying to imitate someone else, or tie yourself in knots trying to stick to a certain way of doing things that isn’t natural to you, why not just parent from the inside out.
You know you, and you know your child(ren) better than any internet parenting guru. Of course there are some helpful ideas and studies available, but they cannot replace your experience, your intuition, and your knowledge of your tiny human.
I have a number of friends who have different ages of kids, and I admire the parenting skills of many of them. I find myself trying to channel my inner *enter name here* and parent my kids like they parent theirs. But I can’t do it consistently, so I feel like I’m confusing my kids more by demonstrating different behaviours myself.
So I’m coming to the conclusion that I shall simply be me. On good days and hard days, on days where I’m oozing affection and days where I feel like I’m losing my mind, I’m going to let my kids see me.
Children become what they see, not what they are told to be. So if I’m trying to be like someone else, who are they imitating? Or worse, will they learn that there’s no value to who they are, and that they too should try to be like some else? If they see me happy, and sad, and tired, and excited etc, so basically just being real, perhaps they will learn that their own feelings are also valid and nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t know, that’s just a thought.
My heart is with a few of my friends who have very little ones and are struggling through various issues. I wish I had formulas, answers, resolutions for their struggles but the honest truth is sometimes you just have to simply keep going… when you’re feeling entirely empty, like, actually completely empty… you just keep going. And you’ll make it through. You will. Those rough nights that feel like they’re going to finish you off… you’ll make it. All of those stages and phases that make you want to hide in a dark room… you’ll survive them. The love you have for your kids is enough. I know it doesn’t always feel like it, but it really is.
You are enough, just as you are. You are good enough. You are loved by your children – in fact, you are their whole world. Give them the best of yourself each day – which sometimes means you simply survive a day together; everyone ate, drank and has clean bums (you and them!!)
Learn from others, sure! But be yourself, and give yourself some grace.
I felt so out of my depth, because no matter what approach I tried, I could neither stop my little boy from being angry and aggressive, nor could I comfort him. He was consistently rude, angry, aggressive both verbally and physically (thank goodness he’s still really little!) and neither my husband or I could do anything that made a difference to him. It was a very difficult day!
Every single thing you experience for the first time as a parent is, of course, brand new. And there are so many of those! Jon and I realised quite quickly that once you’ve actually given birth and everyone is deemed fit and well, you’re basically on your own, even in the hospital. I wish there was a manual that could be downloaded into your brain when you have a baby!
The feeling of being out of your depth doesn’t really ever go away, I think! It began from the birth of my eldest and continues to this day… as evidenced by yesterday’s experience.
The first 6 weeks of Livi’s little life we basically spent on Google. I can’t even remember all the crazy questions we typed in as we stumbled in the dark trying to find the best way forward. Simple things like how best to dress a newborn for bed time, or how do you know when to switch breast when feeding. Whether swaddling is good or bad, and how to help them sleep well once swaddling is no longer a safe option. And of course there are the more serious things to do with sickness and health issues. It was a crazy intense learning curve that just seemed (seems!) to go on and on!
When we had Toby we felt so much more confident, but then he turned out to be so different to Livi in almost every way, that we basically started from scratch again!
Our latest ‘new’ thing, appears to be night terrors. Well that’s just fun and games! Liv never had them, although she had plenty of disturbed nights and apparent bad dreams, but Toby has now had a couple and it’s just dreadful to observe.
Reading up on them, you’re advised not to try and wake the child but just let it run its course. 10 solid minutes of inconsolable sobbing whilst calling out my name… I held him, whispered gently, but he just didn’t calm. Then, out of nowhere and with no intervention from me, he stopped, and fell quiet. It happened again during the same night, and followed the same pattern. In fact I spent the entire time he was crying the second time comforting Livi, and covering her ears, as she was pretty disturbed by the whole thing.
We have found so many instances in trying to parent well, where we simply don’t know what to do. It’s quite scary actually! The last thing in the world we would want is to do something that will cause any kind of damage, or trauma, or even have a minor unfavourable impact on our children, but it seems there are just so many opportunities to get it wrong! It frightens me a little, I’ll be honest.
Especially when it comes to trying to guide behaviour. That’s an every minute of every day task at this age, and I still don’t really know if our methods are too gentle, too lenient, too controlling, too strong, or too anything! We don’t want to raise bratty children who think they can just do as they please and never face consequences, and we don’t want to raise children who can’t think or choose for themselves because they were constantly told off for exploring new behaviours, emotions, expression or even activities (like seeing if rice will fit snugly into their drinking straws *rolls eyes*). There must be a balance, but exhaustion and having to repeat yourself over and over again can eat away at your patience!
With every new experience comes an opportunity to explore, invest, engage and learn. Hard to do that when so very tired, but the opportunity remains, nonetheless. My current personal goal is to find the silver linings that must be outlining these clouds, and figure out what I can do with these opportunities that my children continually present me with! If you have any thoughts on the matter, let me know!
I’d like to say ‘if I hear ‘NO’ one more time I’ll…’ but I’ve no idea what I’ll actually do, because I will most definitely hear ‘NO’ at least 20 more times in the next 10 minutes.
I’d forgotten how much of it we had with Liv, but I am now reminded because it’s Toby’s choice of response to pretty much everything. And I’m seriously at a loss because it winds me up so much but all I do is look at him in shock and surprise every time! Like I wasn’t expecting it! And I still haven’t prepared a good response!
Ugh man, he’s in a really angry phase at the moment. All I can think is he’s going through some kind of developmental ‘leap’, or he’s really learning how to express his emotions authentically! LOL
Having the sweet natured delight of your heart turn red in the face as he screams at you with a fully wide open mouth and tears rolling down his cheeks because you moved his bowl of food after he’d walked away from the table with barely anything left in it, leaves me stunned, apologetic, feeling guilty, and triggers so many emotions in me! It’s crazy how something so small (the child AND the silly situation) can have such a significant result! If it’s the morning and I’m not drained from the day, I handle it pretty well. But if it’s tea time, and I’m already exhausted, my responses are less admirable.
The tones of his various versions of ‘no’ can range from a cheeky little side smile and a sweet quiet ‘no’, to emotionless, direct, dead-pan defiance, to a full volume shock-the-life-out-of-you angry ‘how dare you ask me to do that!’ kind of ‘no’.
I’m hoping it passes, because it’s a very unpleasant thing to experience multiple times a day, especially when it can be accompanied by him hitting himself on the sides of his face, or hitting me on whatever part of me he can reach at that moment.
It’s like he’s filled with uncontrollable rage.
And whilst I understand that their little worlds are so small at this age, and that anything that happens is a much bigger deal to them than it is to us (a broken banana being the worst of all things, for example), and whilst I also understand that our little ones expressing themselves so honestly with us is a hugely positive sign that we have a relationship that means they feel safe enough to do so, it’s still very difficult when it happens.
Don’t get me wrong, my boy is truly a little wonder. He is delightful; so kind, so good at sharing (90% of the time), very affectionate, bright as a little button, and cute as can be! Love him with my actual whole life. But the truth of that does not remove the facts of his current behaviour and their effects. Even Liv tries to calm him down, and she can often receive a push and a very loud ‘NO’ in her face. Little lamb.
I guess that trying to keep calm in those situations so as not to escalate it is the best approach, but I can say it’s not always easy to be like that. Keeping calm but not being a passive parent is a balance I find very difficult to get right. I’d love to say that I spend all the necessary time to gently cuddle and coach my child out of those moments to a place where he is at peace with himself and the world again, bit it simply isn’t the case. Sometimes that’s how it plays out. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes Dad has to take over and I walk away and do something else. Sometimes I sit on the floor and cry with him. Sometimes I shout. Sometimes I glare at him and tell him to get a grip (super helpful, I know).
The ‘no’ phase is a doozy. The crying meltdowns are tough, but bare-faced defiance is a category all of its own!
Anyone going through the ‘no’ phase, I feel you. I stand in solidarity with you, and wish you all the very best as you navigate it with your own little terrors!!
I heard on the radio today about a new podcast that will be talking about the trauma of childbirth. The ad reminded me that because the minute childbirth is over you immediately have your baby and the new, unrelenting, unforgiving demands of a new-born, as well as whatever else in your life still needs your attention and investment, we can often just ‘crack on’. It got me thinking. That’s so true. For the dads in the labour room too.
One of my first blog posts was about my own experience in becoming a mother, and I was honest in what I said. But I didn’t go into a huge amount of depth.
Both my labours were very difficult, but after each one I had my babies in my arms, and went straight to trying to breastfeed them, whilst someone at the other end was sewing me up. Then it was all about learning this new tiny little person, responding to every cry to work out whether they were hungry, cold, dirty nappy, needed cuddles, skin on skin, and so on.
And then it very quickly became about taking them home and what that would be like.
Then it was all about baby’s weight gain / loss, checking the belly-button, making sure our house was right and safe, talking about all the ‘stuff’ that needs to be talked about by midwives and health visitors. Checking my stitches to make sure they’re healing.
I could continue in this vein, but I want to focus on what I think actually was a traumatic labour experience for me, the second time. Birthing Liv was hard work, and very painful, and lasted a long time but…
Toby’s was a traumatic experience. I talked about it in the immediate aftermath, with family and friends; I’m not shy or particularly private even about this stuff, but I actually think there’s something there that I really need to process.
I was induced with Toby. At 40 years old I was told I could opt for induction on my due date, rather than waiting until 41 or 42 weeks. I was up for that, get him out of me! I was so poorly with flu like symptoms, major conjunctivitis and huge headaches the few days before he was born, I was very ready for him to be out. It was only once I was lying in my hospital bed, all wired up, 1cm dilated, and ready to get going that a consultant came in and happened to mention he didn’t believe it was right to induce at 40 weeks, as it was unnecessary and too early. Well, cheers pal, that’s so helpful right now.
We went ahead, as by that time I was not about to go back home again.
Never mind the length of time it took for the gel hormones to kick in, I did ultimately, around 6am the following morning, start with sudden and extremely sharp, deep and painful contractions. They did all the measurements and scans to check little man was where he should be, and he was. Head down, engaged, and ready to go. I made it very clear that I absolutely wanted an epidural, and was promised would get one, but I was only 3cm dilated so they would wait until I was 7cm.
I don’t remember all the little details or the timeline from that point, but just as they were preparing my epidural, the consultant checked if she could feel his head, and he wasn’t there! She couldn’t find him (internal check). He had disengaged and shifted back up inside my tummy. Suddenly there were about 8 people huddled round the business end of my bed trying to figure out what to do. This lasted about an hour. I was in excruciating pain with every contraction, and had no pain relief at all. My poor husband was in the room during all of this, watching me in pain (again!) and entirely helpless to do anything about it.
When they checked again after that hour, Toby had re-engaged and was on his way out. I asked with desperation for my epidural, but was denied, as it was too late and baby was already trying to get out!
SO MUCH PAIN.
In addition to that, he was apparently lying on his umbilical cord, compressing it and putting himself at risk, so they asked me to turn onto my left side. Well, I tell you with no word of a lie, I couldn’t, I couldn’t do it. So they, and my lovely husband, did it for me, and I have never felt anything like it. There are literally no words to describe the intense agony I felt in that moment, I screamed out so loudly (right in Jon’s ear, literally) that they immediately put me back where I was, I did one huge push, they episiotomied me, shoved some forceps in, dragged him out, and there he was! I heard the sound of, and Jon saw with his own eyes, over a litre of blood pour out of me and into, basically a bin bag, hung across the width of the end of my bed. He nearly fainted. Twice. A naked, blood covered, 8lb gorgeous little man who had my heart. And all of my immune system apparently, because as soon as he was out, the headaches went, the conjunctivitis was gone in less than a day, and no flu symptoms.
But, I’ve never actually given that experience much mental or emotional attention because there’s not really been the opportunity! And over 2 years on, I’ve ‘got over it’, haven’t I?
I’m not sure actually, because when I think about it, I try to be quite matter of fact, but actually what happened to my body that day was brutal. Labour was 3.5 hours, he was born at 9.23am. It was the worst 3.5 hours of my life, that resulted in the best little man I could have ever dreamed of.
But then, when you think about all the awful situations where mums go through labour (or even before they get the chance to) and then something unthinkable happens, and they don’t even get their baby to take home. I can’t even begin to imagine that. When I try my brain actually shuts down and prevents me from going there. For anyone who has been through that, I am so so sorry. You have my sincerest and deepest sympathy, and so much respect that you have managed to carry on in life.
I got my boy. Healthy, happy, not too much drama once he was out (just some weight loss and trouble latching, so we went to bottle feeding after 4 months and all was well). So does that mean the trauma my body went though doesn’t count, because the result was so positive? Does it mean I just need to ignore it and not give it any time?
To be honest I don’t even know how to process it, but I’m a person who believes in the genuine influence of emotions, the reality of hormones, and the fragility of mental health. So I do want to give it some attention. I’ll let you know how I get on once I find my way.
Much love to you all, as you’re walking your own parenting journeys. It’s not easy, and it’s good to share.
I did an opinion poll on a Parenting Group I am a part of, to see what the main struggles were in parenting. I offered a few suggestions to get started, but I was surprised by the engagement and the willingness of other parents to open up about what they struggle with!
44% said “Sleep Deprivation” was the primary struggle. 214 parents chose this as their biggest issue.
In second place came “Sensory Overload”, with 17% giving this as their biggest struggle. That was 97 people.
In third place was “Your own mental health” with 12% siting this as the toughest part. 71 people.
Here are the rest of the responses given:
Baby’s endless crying
Baby’s health issues
Loneliness
Not knowing what to do
Interfering relatives / friends
Breastfeeding
Not having time to yourself
Breaking up sibling squabbles
Teenage years
The point of no return tantrums
The days it feels overwhelming to be in control of them and all you want to do is drink a hot cup of tea and not be touched for 10 minutes
Lack of help
Fitting everything into the day
The mental load
Financial struggle
Physical demand – velcro baby, being touched out
Navigating the needs of children when new sibling has arrived
I did this poll not only to hear what the struggles really are, as I only know what mine are, but to see if people wanted to talk about it or not. And it’s very clear that many many parents do want to have somewhere to share what they’re going through.
This list was compiled over less than 24 hours from a single Facebook post. Appx 500 engagements with the question.
People want connection, solidarity, validation, understanding. People want to know they’re not alone!
I’m not sure how yet, but I would really love to do something that helps this situation somehow. If anyone has any thoughts, please let me know!
Most of my posts so far have been to help other parents know they are not alone in the struggles that comes with parenting. So by nature they may have appeared a bit negative! Battles and exhaustion and isolation and frustration and sometimes even rage! And all those things are true, and are a part of our daily lives as parents!
But at the same time my heart is so full. I need my kids to go to nursery, but I miss them when they’re there. They frustrate the living daylights out of me every single bedtime as they make putting PJs on and cleaning their teeth take FOREVER, but when they’re asleep I watch them on the monitor or scroll through photos of them.
I love my two little people with every fibre of my being. There is no way to articulate what they mean to me, what I would do for them, and what I will willingly give to see them grow healthily and happily, to the best of my ability.
I’m also a very blessed woman, who has a husband who is a present, engaged, affectionate (but not a pushover) dad, and who is kind and loving towards me. I wouldn’t want a different man to be my husband, nor to be the father of my children. I know that he’s one in a million.
And when there are those hard moments through our days, when the tantrums strike or the sleep deprivation sucks the life out of me, if I turn my attention to the fact that my heart is still full, even if it’s weary, I remind myself that I can do this. These people are my purpose in life, they are my vision, my mission, my reason.
Whatever your journey, your family structure, your context, you can do it. You will find a way though, and I pray you have a full heart too.
I get so excited about things that I think my kids will love! Christmas, their birthdays, day trips, treats… When I think about those things, and how much fun they will be for my kiddies, my heart gets all full and jubbly! and then I go into mega planning mode so I don’t miss anything, and every little detail is considered. I’m a planner, and I love admin and structure… what could possibly go wrong?!
Toddlers!
Who knows the mind of a toddler? Why WOULDN’T you want a Christmas tree shaped pizza instead of a full on Turkey dinner that I just know will end up on the floor?! Oh I’m sorry that your Frozen themed present didn’t include Kristoff and Sven… *rolls eyes* 😀
On Toby’s 1st birthday he had a smash-cake; he always loved making a mess with his food, and I love to take a fun picture of my kids, so thought it was a perfect idea! He wasn’t interested. He touched the top of the icing, looked at his little sticky palm, and sat there confused, bless him.
On Livi’s 2nd birthday, she got a 2 day long fever. Little get togethers cancelled all over the place. Devastated.
On her 3rd birthday she had a vomiting bug and her big party at the park with her nursery friends had to be cancelled. Devastated again, and with a tonne of party food too!
How do we deal with the disappointment of plans with little ones that don’t turn out how you imagine?
Perhaps it’s worth acknowledging that little ones simply cannot process that level of expectation, excitement, and such dramatic adjustments to their usual routine. Of course as parents we want these events to be perfect for them, but while your littles are little, there will always be a curve ball or ten.
Just yesterday I took my two to Costa for a post nursery treat. We’ve never done that before but they knew it was coming and were very excited about it. Sadly, that particular day, Toby had a late nap at nursery and was woken up before he was ready… and it all went downhill from there! We went to Costa, all fine, managing his fragile emotional state quite well… he selected his snack, and we sat down. So far so good (ish). I made the unforgivable mistake of trying to help him with his snack by snapping off a bit of the chocolate from the top, to make it easier for him. Oh my gosh you’d have thought I’d try to break his fingers the way he screamed at me! “NO SNAP TOBY’S SNACK!!!” THEN he dropped his cuddly dog on the floor and his screams escalated and I’m sure the entire room thought I was attacking him!
This was not the plan for our Costa treat trip! He did settle once I, by chance, figured out he actually wanted a bit of Livi’s heart biscuit, and we calmed down from there. But PHEW that was rough for a few minutes there!
I guess it’s all about expectations. And it’s quite a hard lesson to learn for someone like me! But I’m getting there. I’m learning to remember that sometimes my plans to do something nice for them, might not actually be that nice for them! Remembering to consider where they’re at is important. Knowing that kids can get sick easily, knowing that their moods can fluctuate massively if they’re tired, hungry, overstimulated, under stimulated and so on.
Not that you base every decision on if they’re moody or not, but keeping in mind how they are doing is not only a kindness to them, but may also help with managing your own expectations on how something may go! And every experience is a lesson – I will NEVER snap Toby’s snacks again!
Little ones are just that, little. For a long time a lot of things they experience they will be experiencing for the first time. They’ll have no frame of reference, no previous history to look to, no idea what’s expected of them, and if we truly want it to be pleasant, taking the expectation for perfection down a notch or two will probably do the whole thing a massive favour! There. That’s me told. 😀
It never even occurred to me that our circle of friends would be so impacted by having children, but I guess it didn’t help that we had kids immediately in the aftermath of the National Lockdown and Covid-19 pandemic and relationships were already changing. Wasn’t THAT a blast!
Working out how to adjust relationships to ‘online only’ for those couple of years was something else, with some real successes, and some sad losses, but it did open a door to having at least some kind of communication with loved ones we couldn’t see in the flesh. It became so normal at the time, it continues to be an option for people who can’t see people face to face, for whatever reason. Being a parent to very dependant little ones is one of those reasons. Being a parent to older kids with a packed activities calendar is another!
It is funny how when you have children your old circle of single / child-free friends seems to fade away, and you find yourself connecting (if you’re lucky) with other people who have children, and that’s great because they get it! They understand the manic nature of life – being late for things, turning up with sick / beans / playdough / chocolate prints on your clothes, having to cancel last minute because someone got poorly (nursery germs, man!) But at the same time it also sucks because between your busy life, and their busy life, when do you actually ever get to have a face to face conversation?!
Perhaps that’s another reason I’m doing this; blogging. I get to have a bit of a conversation (one sided though it is!) with people who I hope are like-minded, in as much as you’re going through or have been through, this similar life adjustment!
Going from a peer-saturated lifestyle with no restrictions, to a young family lifestyle following a global pandemic is a heck of a culture shock, and it can take some serious getting used to. And it seems to me that there’s now a loneliness pandemic. The never ending social media presence where there’s a shallower level of ‘connection’, a bombardment of news, information, advertising and social expectation (not to mention the bullying, hate, lack of accountability and so on), plus the incessant need to display ones life with all the filters that make us and our lives look flawless… it’s just not helpful to us normal people living normal lives. We all want to be seen, known and loved for who we really are, not the shiny online version we feel under pressure to be. Even (especially!) exhausted mamas.
With that potential for loneliness already very real, the changing of friendships that come with becoming parents in a post-pandemic online world can be another massive contributor to feeling alone, unknown, unfulfilled, and isolated. This isn’t just true for mums, but for dads too.
I know for me, when I do get to have real connection time with a friend, it does me the world of good. It’s rare. Finding a time that works for everyone is tough, and requires serious intention and planning! But it’s so worth the effort. Whether it’s in person (which I love) or on a video call, or by sending texts, it’s so vital for us as parents (it’s also true for everyone who isn’t a parent too!) to have people we can be real with. That’s what friendship means to me now.
We all need to be seen, known and loved.
If anyone out there is an exhausted parent who wants to reach out for connection, feel free to get in touch! I’ll gladly chat with anyone who wants to vent, connect, reach for some validation or understanding. Online friendships can be really helpful when in person ones seem just out of reach.
Sometimes I miss my little boy, even when he’s in the room. He’s so chill, and usually pretty content to potter on. A firstborn girl and a second born boy seems to create a well known dynamic, where she, for want of a better expression, rules the roost and he just learns to go with that flow.
Being able to express her needs and wants far more articulately than he, and also having had a large portion of life where her needs were the only ones I needed to meet, makes it hard for her to understand that he has mummy-needs too.
Another difference between them is that her sleep routine requires me to lie with her until she falls asleep, but he is quite happy to get into his bed and drift off himself. Dad stays with him in the room until he’s fallen asleep, but he’d be ok if he didn’t.
The first 17 months of Liv’s life were so precious, as it was one on one all the time. And when I found out I was pregnant when she was 8 months old, I knew we were on limited time for that level of attention. I did my best to make the most of that time, through the sleepless nights, the physical discomfort, and the development of wailing meltdowns! It was a very very special and unique time for us.
That new born phase with Toby went as new born phases do… they demand a lot of your attention while they are so fragile and rely on you for everything. About 6 months in my experience. And Liv coped with that time really really well. She got sad sometimes, when I had to feed Toby and couldn’t do water play with her, of course, but she did pretty well and always loved him.
But once he was a bit older they started to compete and battle over me. I’ve learned that when there’s an escalation like that I just sit on the floor, legs astride, and invite them onto one leg each, and have them cuddle in and calm down. “Two legs, two babies”, I say to them. “There’s always room for you both.” (I’m not sure how parents with more than two children do it!)
I wish I could also have had 18 months one on one with my boy. The things I learned about Livi when she was little, the times we contact napped and I could just watch her sleep, and listen to her little gurgles and tiny sounds. The investment in her weaning process, the dancing to Hey Bear dancing fruits on YouTube and her giggling her head off as we pranced around the lounge. I didn’t get any of that with Toby because every time I tried, Liv wanted in on it. He didn’t miss out on the fun, but more often than not it was Daddy who did it with him, because Liv would melt down if I didn’t do it with her.
I know what you’re thinking, I should have stuck to my guns and held that boundary, but in the moment it’s not that easy. Toby was so little he didn’t mind who flew him around like a rocket, he was just happy to play, and I didn’t want to turn a happy play time into another toddler tantrum. It’s not an easy balance! I remember very little about Toby’s first year because it was such a whirlwind of survival.
For anyone who has two under two, it does get better! I feel like we have exited survival mode and are moving into a more sustainable, happy, not-just-longing-for-bedtime stage! I’ve even found time to cook actual meals recently, and of course, have the headspace to actually form written sentences for this blog! I couldn’t have even imagined doing this, 6 months ago.
The love you have for your kids is unrivalled and unparalleled, and you find a way of meeting their needs. There is no perfect parent, and we’re all just doing the best we can! I look at my boy sometimes and the smile he gives me assures me that he knows he is so loved. It also assures me that I am loved by him, too. Will I get everything right? Absolutely not. Am I trying my hardest to make good choices for them? 100%.
Two kids who aren’t quite the same age, but live through overlapping phases is a lot. But I am so glad we did it this way. Yes, it was deliberate, yes, it was a choice. Having 4 years of broken sleep seemed like a better choice than getting back to a good rhythm and then starting all over again a couple of years later! And, as much as they get in each other’s space and get frustrated with each other, they are absolutely each other’s best friend. I hope no one ever bullies Toby because Liv would eat them alive!
This life Jon and I have chosen, I love it. I love my husband even though we still barely have uninterrupted conversations, I love our two little creations, and I love our family. Is it very hard? Yes. Do I cry sometimes feeling utterly overwhelmed? Yes. Would I do it all over again if I knew then what I know now? Yes.
have kids they said... 