Tag: toddlers

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The days are long, but the years are short… cherish every moment

The days are long but the years are short.

This is so true! Already I’m planning for Livi’s 4th birthday, and she was only born 15 minutes ago. My tiny wee girl who had me up 10 times a night, every night, for almost 2 years straight and I thought I’d never sleep again, is heading to school in September… how is that even possible?!

I was chatting with a colleague recently, a dad who has older boys, and he was waxing lyrical about how quickly it all goes by. He stopped working for a number of years in order to raise his lads, and he took on other people’s kids too, as a childminder. Telling me stories about rushing here there any everywhere to get the shopping in and get them from nursery and do all the things a parent has to do in the 24 hours a day we are given. And yet now, with his lads in their twenties, how quickly that time went by.

I was grateful for the reminder. The days can feel sooooo long that you’re praying for bedtime to come, but at the same time, Liv’s going to school in September, and I know that once we enter that stage of life, it’s just going to fly by. School days, extra curricular activities, play dates, going to friends’ for dinner… whilst the challenges of parenting remain, I have a feeling I’m going to be desperate for the passing of time to slow down.

Friends who have little girls who are 8 now, sending me photos with captions about how big they are and how they wish they’d stop growing.

I’ve experienced many things in life, I’ve had many opportunities before settling down into marriage and babies, but nothing compares to the fragility and joy of how I have felt as a parent. I’ve seen the worst and the best of myself. I’ve had that desperate “stop the world I want to get off!” feeling, and that deep knowing that I would die for my kids if it came to it. Most days I collapse into bed absolutely wrecked, and so thankful the day is done, but then scroll through photos of my babies whilst missing them when they’re asleep.

I don’t think there’s anything that can compare to it. The highs and lows of this extraordinary rollercoaster called parenting. And I guess depending on your own upbringing, expectations, experiences, filters, culture, and so on, each of us will judge ourselves differently, and have different values for what ‘successful’ parenting looks like. And when I miss the mark that I have subconsciously set myself, that’s when I become my most fragile – because I care more deeply about loving my children well than about anything else, and my apparent failures in that area can knock me for six.

BUT! Simply knowing that that is the case, tells me I’m not doing too badly, because my kids are kind, affectionate, brave, clever, creative, silly, cheeky, hilariously funny at times, and they care about other people. They can be proper little monkeys of course, but that’s the universal right of kids, isn’t it!

It’s emotionally draining, and in the early years at least, it’s physically draining too, but oh my goodness, it is SO worth it. I’m reminding myself to not wish the time away, even though it can be difficult, but to savour every precious moment of them needing and wanting me, because I know it’s not going to last forever.

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Authentic Parenting… please, just be yourself

Mama, please just be yourself. Be your best self, for your little ones, but be yourself. And actually, you amazing dads who just want to do your very best for your kids, same goes for you!

It’s just starting to dawn on me that the best way I can be consistent in my parenting, is to actually be me. No parent is perfect, no method is fool proof, no technique is guaranteed, and no particular style has the same effect on every child. So rather than add to the confusion by trying to imitate someone else, or tie yourself in knots trying to stick to a certain way of doing things that isn’t natural to you, why not just parent from the inside out.

You know you, and you know your child(ren) better than any internet parenting guru. Of course there are some helpful ideas and studies available, but they cannot replace your experience, your intuition, and your knowledge of your tiny human.

I have a number of friends who have different ages of kids, and I admire the parenting skills of many of them. I find myself trying to channel my inner *enter name here* and parent my kids like they parent theirs. But I can’t do it consistently, so I feel like I’m confusing my kids more by demonstrating different behaviours myself.

So I’m coming to the conclusion that I shall simply be me. On good days and hard days, on days where I’m oozing affection and days where I feel like I’m losing my mind, I’m going to let my kids see me.

Children become what they see, not what they are told to be. So if I’m trying to be like someone else, who are they imitating? Or worse, will they learn that there’s no value to who they are, and that they too should try to be like some else? If they see me happy, and sad, and tired, and excited etc, so basically just being real, perhaps they will learn that their own feelings are also valid and nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t know, that’s just a thought.

My heart is with a few of my friends who have very little ones and are struggling through various issues. I wish I had formulas, answers, resolutions for their struggles but the honest truth is sometimes you just have to simply keep going… when you’re feeling entirely empty, like, actually completely empty… you just keep going. And you’ll make it through. You will. Those rough nights that feel like they’re going to finish you off… you’ll make it. All of those stages and phases that make you want to hide in a dark room… you’ll survive them. The love you have for your kids is enough. I know it doesn’t always feel like it, but it really is.

You are enough, just as you are. You are good enough. You are loved by your children – in fact, you are their whole world. Give them the best of yourself each day – which sometimes means you simply survive a day together; everyone ate, drank and has clean bums (you and them!!)

Learn from others, sure! But be yourself, and give yourself some grace.

x

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When you don’t know what you’re doing

I had a big cry yesterday morning.

I felt so out of my depth, because no matter what approach I tried, I could neither stop my little boy from being angry and aggressive, nor could I comfort him. He was consistently rude, angry, aggressive both verbally and physically (thank goodness he’s still really little!) and neither my husband or I could do anything that made a difference to him. It was a very difficult day!

Every single thing you experience for the first time as a parent is, of course, brand new. And there are so many of those! Jon and I realised quite quickly that once you’ve actually given birth and everyone is deemed fit and well, you’re basically on your own, even in the hospital. I wish there was a manual that could be downloaded into your brain when you have a baby!

The feeling of being out of your depth doesn’t really ever go away, I think! It began from the birth of my eldest and continues to this day… as evidenced by yesterday’s experience.

The first 6 weeks of Livi’s little life we basically spent on Google. I can’t even remember all the crazy questions we typed in as we stumbled in the dark trying to find the best way forward. Simple things like how best to dress a newborn for bed time, or how do you know when to switch breast when feeding. Whether swaddling is good or bad, and how to help them sleep well once swaddling is no longer a safe option. And of course there are the more serious things to do with sickness and health issues. It was a crazy intense learning curve that just seemed (seems!) to go on and on!

When we had Toby we felt so much more confident, but then he turned out to be so different to Livi in almost every way, that we basically started from scratch again!

Our latest ‘new’ thing, appears to be night terrors. Well that’s just fun and games! Liv never had them, although she had plenty of disturbed nights and apparent bad dreams, but Toby has now had a couple and it’s just dreadful to observe.

Reading up on them, you’re advised not to try and wake the child but just let it run its course. 10 solid minutes of inconsolable sobbing whilst calling out my name… I held him, whispered gently, but he just didn’t calm. Then, out of nowhere and with no intervention from me, he stopped, and fell quiet. It happened again during the same night, and followed the same pattern. In fact I spent the entire time he was crying the second time comforting Livi, and covering her ears, as she was pretty disturbed by the whole thing.

We have found so many instances in trying to parent well, where we simply don’t know what to do. It’s quite scary actually! The last thing in the world we would want is to do something that will cause any kind of damage, or trauma, or even have a minor unfavourable impact on our children, but it seems there are just so many opportunities to get it wrong! It frightens me a little, I’ll be honest.

Especially when it comes to trying to guide behaviour. That’s an every minute of every day task at this age, and I still don’t really know if our methods are too gentle, too lenient, too controlling, too strong, or too anything! We don’t want to raise bratty children who think they can just do as they please and never face consequences, and we don’t want to raise children who can’t think or choose for themselves because they were constantly told off for exploring new behaviours, emotions, expression or even activities (like seeing if rice will fit snugly into their drinking straws *rolls eyes*). There must be a balance, but exhaustion and having to repeat yourself over and over again can eat away at your patience!

With every new experience comes an opportunity to explore, invest, engage and learn. Hard to do that when so very tired, but the opportunity remains, nonetheless. My current personal goal is to find the silver linings that must be outlining these clouds, and figure out what I can do with these opportunities that my children continually present me with! If you have any thoughts on the matter, let me know!

x

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Sweet and Sour: Living with the constant ‘No’

Oh. My. Goodness.

I’d like to say ‘if I hear ‘NO’ one more time I’ll…’ but I’ve no idea what I’ll actually do, because I will most definitely hear ‘NO’ at least 20 more times in the next 10 minutes.

I’d forgotten how much of it we had with Liv, but I am now reminded because it’s Toby’s choice of response to pretty much everything. And I’m seriously at a loss because it winds me up so much but all I do is look at him in shock and surprise every time! Like I wasn’t expecting it! And I still haven’t prepared a good response!

Ugh man, he’s in a really angry phase at the moment. All I can think is he’s going through some kind of developmental ‘leap’, or he’s really learning how to express his emotions authentically! LOL

Having the sweet natured delight of your heart turn red in the face as he screams at you with a fully wide open mouth and tears rolling down his cheeks because you moved his bowl of food after he’d walked away from the table with barely anything left in it, leaves me stunned, apologetic, feeling guilty, and triggers so many emotions in me! It’s crazy how something so small (the child AND the silly situation) can have such a significant result! If it’s the morning and I’m not drained from the day, I handle it pretty well. But if it’s tea time, and I’m already exhausted, my responses are less admirable.

The tones of his various versions of ‘no’ can range from a cheeky little side smile and a sweet quiet ‘no’, to emotionless, direct, dead-pan defiance, to a full volume shock-the-life-out-of-you angry ‘how dare you ask me to do that!’ kind of ‘no’.

I’m hoping it passes, because it’s a very unpleasant thing to experience multiple times a day, especially when it can be accompanied by him hitting himself on the sides of his face, or hitting me on whatever part of me he can reach at that moment.

It’s like he’s filled with uncontrollable rage.

And whilst I understand that their little worlds are so small at this age, and that anything that happens is a much bigger deal to them than it is to us (a broken banana being the worst of all things, for example), and whilst I also understand that our little ones expressing themselves so honestly with us is a hugely positive sign that we have a relationship that means they feel safe enough to do so, it’s still very difficult when it happens.

Don’t get me wrong, my boy is truly a little wonder. He is delightful; so kind, so good at sharing (90% of the time), very affectionate, bright as a little button, and cute as can be! Love him with my actual whole life. But the truth of that does not remove the facts of his current behaviour and their effects. Even Liv tries to calm him down, and she can often receive a push and a very loud ‘NO’ in her face. Little lamb.

I guess that trying to keep calm in those situations so as not to escalate it is the best approach, but I can say it’s not always easy to be like that. Keeping calm but not being a passive parent is a balance I find very difficult to get right. I’d love to say that I spend all the necessary time to gently cuddle and coach my child out of those moments to a place where he is at peace with himself and the world again, bit it simply isn’t the case. Sometimes that’s how it plays out. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes Dad has to take over and I walk away and do something else. Sometimes I sit on the floor and cry with him. Sometimes I shout. Sometimes I glare at him and tell him to get a grip (super helpful, I know).

The ‘no’ phase is a doozy. The crying meltdowns are tough, but bare-faced defiance is a category all of its own!

Anyone going through the ‘no’ phase, I feel you. I stand in solidarity with you, and wish you all the very best as you navigate it with your own little terrors!!

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What Parents Struggle With Most: A Community Survey

I did an opinion poll on a Parenting Group I am a part of, to see what the main struggles were in parenting. I offered a few suggestions to get started, but I was surprised by the engagement and the willingness of other parents to open up about what they struggle with!

44% said “Sleep Deprivation” was the primary struggle. 214 parents chose this as their biggest issue.

In second place came “Sensory Overload”, with 17% giving this as their biggest struggle. That was 97 people.

In third place was “Your own mental health” with 12% siting this as the toughest part. 71 people.

Here are the rest of the responses given:

  • Baby’s endless crying
  • Baby’s health issues
  • Loneliness
  • Not knowing what to do
  • Interfering relatives / friends
  • Breastfeeding
  • Not having time to yourself
  • Breaking up sibling squabbles
  • Teenage years
  • The point of no return tantrums
  • The days it feels overwhelming to be in control of them and all you want to do is drink a hot cup of tea and not be touched for 10 minutes
  • Lack of help
  • Fitting everything into the day
  • The mental load
  • Financial struggle
  • Physical demand – velcro baby, being touched out
  • Navigating the needs of children when new sibling has arrived

I did this poll not only to hear what the struggles really are, as I only know what mine are, but to see if people wanted to talk about it or not. And it’s very clear that many many parents do want to have somewhere to share what they’re going through.

This list was compiled over less than 24 hours from a single Facebook post. Appx 500 engagements with the question.

People want connection, solidarity, validation, understanding. People want to know they’re not alone!

I’m not sure how yet, but I would really love to do something that helps this situation somehow. If anyone has any thoughts, please let me know!

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The fullest of hearts

Most of my posts so far have been to help other parents know they are not alone in the struggles that comes with parenting. So by nature they may have appeared a bit negative! Battles and exhaustion and isolation and frustration and sometimes even rage! And all those things are true, and are a part of our daily lives as parents!

But at the same time my heart is so full. I need my kids to go to nursery, but I miss them when they’re there. They frustrate the living daylights out of me every single bedtime as they make putting PJs on and cleaning their teeth take FOREVER, but when they’re asleep I watch them on the monitor or scroll through photos of them.

I love my two little people with every fibre of my being. There is no way to articulate what they mean to me, what I would do for them, and what I will willingly give to see them grow healthily and happily, to the best of my ability.

I’m also a very blessed woman, who has a husband who is a present, engaged, affectionate (but not a pushover) dad, and who is kind and loving towards me. I wouldn’t want a different man to be my husband, nor to be the father of my children. I know that he’s one in a million.

And when there are those hard moments through our days, when the tantrums strike or the sleep deprivation sucks the life out of me, if I turn my attention to the fact that my heart is still full, even if it’s weary, I remind myself that I can do this. These people are my purpose in life, they are my vision, my mission, my reason.

Whatever your journey, your family structure, your context, you can do it. You will find a way though, and I pray you have a full heart too.

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When the fun stuff doesn’t go to plan…

I get so excited about things that I think my kids will love! Christmas, their birthdays, day trips, treats… When I think about those things, and how much fun they will be for my kiddies, my heart gets all full and jubbly! and then I go into mega planning mode so I don’t miss anything, and every little detail is considered. I’m a planner, and I love admin and structure… what could possibly go wrong?!

Toddlers!

Who knows the mind of a toddler? Why WOULDN’T you want a Christmas tree shaped pizza instead of a full on Turkey dinner that I just know will end up on the floor?! Oh I’m sorry that your Frozen themed present didn’t include Kristoff and Sven… *rolls eyes* 😀

On Toby’s 1st birthday he had a smash-cake; he always loved making a mess with his food, and I love to take a fun picture of my kids, so thought it was a perfect idea! He wasn’t interested. He touched the top of the icing, looked at his little sticky palm, and sat there confused, bless him.

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On Livi’s 2nd birthday, she got a 2 day long fever. Little get togethers cancelled all over the place. Devastated.

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On her 3rd birthday she had a vomiting bug and her big party at the park with her nursery friends had to be cancelled. Devastated again, and with a tonne of party food too!

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How do we deal with the disappointment of plans with little ones that don’t turn out how you imagine?

Perhaps it’s worth acknowledging that little ones simply cannot process that level of expectation, excitement, and such dramatic adjustments to their usual routine. Of course as parents we want these events to be perfect for them, but while your littles are little, there will always be a curve ball or ten.

Just yesterday I took my two to Costa for a post nursery treat. We’ve never done that before but they knew it was coming and were very excited about it. Sadly, that particular day, Toby had a late nap at nursery and was woken up before he was ready… and it all went downhill from there! We went to Costa, all fine, managing his fragile emotional state quite well… he selected his snack, and we sat down. So far so good (ish). I made the unforgivable mistake of trying to help him with his snack by snapping off a bit of the chocolate from the top, to make it easier for him. Oh my gosh you’d have thought I’d try to break his fingers the way he screamed at me! “NO SNAP TOBY’S SNACK!!!” THEN he dropped his cuddly dog on the floor and his screams escalated and I’m sure the entire room thought I was attacking him!

This was not the plan for our Costa treat trip! He did settle once I, by chance, figured out he actually wanted a bit of Livi’s heart biscuit, and we calmed down from there. But PHEW that was rough for a few minutes there!

I guess it’s all about expectations. And it’s quite a hard lesson to learn for someone like me! But I’m getting there. I’m learning to remember that sometimes my plans to do something nice for them, might not actually be that nice for them! Remembering to consider where they’re at is important. Knowing that kids can get sick easily, knowing that their moods can fluctuate massively if they’re tired, hungry, overstimulated, under stimulated and so on.

Not that you base every decision on if they’re moody or not, but keeping in mind how they are doing is not only a kindness to them, but may also help with managing your own expectations on how something may go! And every experience is a lesson – I will NEVER snap Toby’s snacks again!

Little ones are just that, little. For a long time a lot of things they experience they will be experiencing for the first time. They’ll have no frame of reference, no previous history to look to, no idea what’s expected of them, and if we truly want it to be pleasant, taking the expectation for perfection down a notch or two will probably do the whole thing a massive favour! There. That’s me told. 😀

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The changing nature of parent-friendships in a post pandemic world

It never even occurred to me that our circle of friends would be so impacted by having children, but I guess it didn’t help that we had kids immediately in the aftermath of the National Lockdown and Covid-19 pandemic and relationships were already changing. Wasn’t THAT a blast!

Working out how to adjust relationships to ‘online only’ for those couple of years was something else, with some real successes, and some sad losses, but it did open a door to having at least some kind of communication with loved ones we couldn’t see in the flesh. It became so normal at the time, it continues to be an option for people who can’t see people face to face, for whatever reason. Being a parent to very dependant little ones is one of those reasons. Being a parent to older kids with a packed activities calendar is another!

It is funny how when you have children your old circle of single / child-free friends seems to fade away, and you find yourself connecting (if you’re lucky) with other people who have children, and that’s great because they get it! They understand the manic nature of life – being late for things, turning up with sick / beans / playdough / chocolate prints on your clothes, having to cancel last minute because someone got poorly (nursery germs, man!) But at the same time it also sucks because between your busy life, and their busy life, when do you actually ever get to have a face to face conversation?!

Perhaps that’s another reason I’m doing this; blogging. I get to have a bit of a conversation (one sided though it is!) with people who I hope are like-minded, in as much as you’re going through or have been through, this similar life adjustment!

Going from a peer-saturated lifestyle with no restrictions, to a young family lifestyle following a global pandemic is a heck of a culture shock, and it can take some serious getting used to. And it seems to me that there’s now a loneliness pandemic. The never ending social media presence where there’s a shallower level of ‘connection’, a bombardment of news, information, advertising and social expectation (not to mention the bullying, hate, lack of accountability and so on), plus the incessant need to display ones life with all the filters that make us and our lives look flawless… it’s just not helpful to us normal people living normal lives. We all want to be seen, known and loved for who we really are, not the shiny online version we feel under pressure to be. Even (especially!) exhausted mamas.

With that potential for loneliness already very real, the changing of friendships that come with becoming parents in a post-pandemic online world can be another massive contributor to feeling alone, unknown, unfulfilled, and isolated. This isn’t just true for mums, but for dads too.

I know for me, when I do get to have real connection time with a friend, it does me the world of good. It’s rare. Finding a time that works for everyone is tough, and requires serious intention and planning! But it’s so worth the effort. Whether it’s in person (which I love) or on a video call, or by sending texts, it’s so vital for us as parents (it’s also true for everyone who isn’t a parent too!) to have people we can be real with. That’s what friendship means to me now.

We all need to be seen, known and loved.

If anyone out there is an exhausted parent who wants to reach out for connection, feel free to get in touch! I’ll gladly chat with anyone who wants to vent, connect, reach for some validation or understanding. Online friendships can be really helpful when in person ones seem just out of reach.

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Threenagers…

I was, and am, determined not to allow cultural expectations to dictate how my children live and progress through their early years. All these labels that people put on particular age brackets can make you expect certain behaviours, and I don’t think it’s a given that all two year olds have “terrible twos”, etc.

That said, “Threenager” is a pretty accurate label for my strong-willed, independent, rule-questioning, intelligent, articulate 3 and a half year old!

And I want to talk about it, because it can be a struggle.

It goes without saying that I love my big girl with literally my whole life, and she really is my dream come true. That was true the day we found out we were pregnant, true when I gave birth to her, and true throughout every moment of every day since.

I have encountered many other parents with children the same age as mine, and I hear the same things over and over again. Almost every 3 year old is challenging! I remind myself often that it is not her personality that challenges me, it her developmental stage (I hope). Now, I know that’s not an overarching excuse for unacceptable behaviour, like hitting, biting, shouting at me, throwing things (at me, or otherwise!) or pure unadulterated defiance, but knowing that just about every 3 year old’s parents are facing the same or very similar challenges helps me remember that they are learning, pushing boundaries and experiencing so many things for the first time. With guidance, patience and consistent boundaries (which is so much harder to do than to say!) they will emerge on the other side as much nicer little people… or so I have been told…!

Even today a friend of mine was describing her weekend with her almost 4 year old little boy. The battle of wills over almost every normal day-to-day thing like getting shoes on to go out… or the rolling of the eyes when asked to do something, or when they tell you to do something the way you sometimes tell them to do something but it sounds so awful when it comes out of their little mouths! “Mummy, sit down now!” “Not yet, I’m busy at the moment” “Shush, you’re not listening to me”. How do you respond to that, knowing they’ve heard it from you?!

Three is as hard as it is wonderful, and as wonderful as it is hard. I adore listening to her sing songs in the car, and get all the words right for the first time. She will, out of nowhere, tell me she loves me so so so so so so so so so much. She’ll tell me I’m her best friend. She’s becoming so creative, and so generous, and so kind. She’s incredibly sociable, loves people, and has the strength and determination to make a difference in the world. And I love her so stinking much!! But MAN when she’s defiant I don’t know what to do with myself! I dislike the behaviour, and quite often, I am very disappointed with my own response to that behaviour.

And again, as I’ve mentioned multiple times before, there is so much out there about how to navigate this, and how to understand what it is they are dealing with and experiencing. But in the every day moments when you’re almost late for work, or you’ve given them enough of a heads-up that the activity is about to change, or you’ve asked 15 times with ever increasing urgency… in those moments when you’re so tired and so fed up of being ignored, those strategies go right out of the window.

I’m not actually complaining, for the record! I just know that this stuff doesn’t really get said publicly very often, and I want to be a bit of a voice for those who can relate to how this feels, and what it’s like day in day out, and again say ‘you’re not alone’.

Whatever age your kids are, parenting is glorious and parenting is tough.

And in my opinion. if you’re trying your best to do what’s best for them, you’re winning.

Sometimes, I don’t feel like I’m winning. But I’m choosing to believe that I am, and I will tell myself again, ‘I am a good mum’.

You, are a good mum. ❤

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When you feel like you’ve lost yourself

I used to have to book a time in with my husband for him to watch the babies, so I could have a shower.

I think I’ve had my hair cut once every 8 to 10 months since becoming a mum.

If I managed to clean my teeth AND remembered to moisturise my face in the morning, I was on to a winner!

Time alone? Sorry, what’s that?

A holiday? Don’t be absurd, I don’t fancy spending a boat load of money being somewhere unfamiliar, with no toys, few facilities, all of us sleeping in one room with neighbours either side, if my kids kick off a tonne (which they very well may do!) And a plane ride, with 2 littles? Nope.

Friends? Yes please! Let’s book an evening in… oh but wait, I’m dead on my feet by 8pm so, can we wait a while?

But guess what?! It’s not like that forever. Huzzah!

I read loads of things in the early days (years) about how important it is for new mums to maintain a self-care routine, to make time for ourselves. It was one of the things the GP said to be when I was very low, before prescribing me some anti-depressants. And I agree that of course it is important. But for me, in our personal circumstances, it simply wasn’t possible. There can be a very real sense of losing yourself in those first couple of years, and it’s really really hard to navigate. In fact, you don’t really ‘navigate’ it, you just plod through each day, with random little crying outbursts, wondering where the ‘old’ you has gone. It’s not really something I even consciously thought about all that much, but when every moment of your life is now entirely focussed on someone else, it’s a very natural (and quick!) progression to lose any focus on you.

I’ve seen some really lovely pieces of creating writing on social media where people have managed to brilliantly capture the extreme emotions of the loss of yourself, but the love for your baby. And whilst that overpowering love for what you have created in your own body is worth every single moment of struggle, whatever your own personal context for that struggle may be, I want to focus this post on you.

If you’re in those first couple of years and still feel like you’re in the pit, and you’ve no idea who you are right now, or if you feel like life as you knew it is over forever, I get you. They are such powerful feelings and they are so valid. It’s the reality you are living each and every day, and it matters that you feel it. You matter. Yes, you still matter. Mum guilt will whisper that you don’t any more, but it’s a lie.

Of course not every new mum feels this, but I suspect that a fairly high proportion will do to one degree or another.

It can feel like not even your body is your own anymore. From pregnancy where it can be uncomfortable and unpleasant for a million different reasons, to breastfeeding, contact naps, baby-wearing, being grabbed at, having your hair pulled, your nipples bitten, not being allowed to sit down, being randomly hit because tiny babies can’t control their limbs yet, or being intentionally hit because your toddler is cross with you, can’t go to the toilet alone, being watched in the shower, being touched all the time. If I had a pound for the number of times I’ve just wanted to scream ‘can you just leave me alone!’ we could afford a holiday, with childcare! 😉

It’s real, but it doesn’t last forever.

My eldest is 4 in June, and my youngest was 2 in November. They are 17 months apart so there was no reprieve between them. And it’s just now that I feel that I have the physical autonomy again, and the mental capacity to think about losing my baby weight, wearing a little makeup, and maybe even getting my nails done. If you know me, you’ll know I’ve never been one for glamour even before children, and some mums have managed to keep their nails nice and the mascara on even through babyhood! I couldn’t do mascara, I cried too often. But for me it feels really huge. I’m tired of looking tired. And now I have the energy to make the efforts I really want to make.

Everyone’s story is different, and everyone feels the losses differently, but what we all have in common is that there is loss. The losses are worth what is gained, but that doesn’t invalidate the losses.

Here is a short and certainly not exhaustive list of what I personally grieved the loss of:

Sleep

Physical autonomy

The ability to think rationally as much as I used to

Internal emotional stability

Self-control with food and drink

Sponteneity

Date nights

Hanging out with my friends

Photography

The cinema

Energy or time for playing my guitar / keyboard / bass at home or in a band

This is a list of what I gained because of the sacrifices:

My very own little family. And I would do it all again.