Tag: preschoolers

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Authentic Parenting… please, just be yourself

Mama, please just be yourself. Be your best self, for your little ones, but be yourself. And actually, you amazing dads who just want to do your very best for your kids, same goes for you!

It’s just starting to dawn on me that the best way I can be consistent in my parenting, is to actually be me. No parent is perfect, no method is fool proof, no technique is guaranteed, and no particular style has the same effect on every child. So rather than add to the confusion by trying to imitate someone else, or tie yourself in knots trying to stick to a certain way of doing things that isn’t natural to you, why not just parent from the inside out.

You know you, and you know your child(ren) better than any internet parenting guru. Of course there are some helpful ideas and studies available, but they cannot replace your experience, your intuition, and your knowledge of your tiny human.

I have a number of friends who have different ages of kids, and I admire the parenting skills of many of them. I find myself trying to channel my inner *enter name here* and parent my kids like they parent theirs. But I can’t do it consistently, so I feel like I’m confusing my kids more by demonstrating different behaviours myself.

So I’m coming to the conclusion that I shall simply be me. On good days and hard days, on days where I’m oozing affection and days where I feel like I’m losing my mind, I’m going to let my kids see me.

Children become what they see, not what they are told to be. So if I’m trying to be like someone else, who are they imitating? Or worse, will they learn that there’s no value to who they are, and that they too should try to be like some else? If they see me happy, and sad, and tired, and excited etc, so basically just being real, perhaps they will learn that their own feelings are also valid and nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t know, that’s just a thought.

My heart is with a few of my friends who have very little ones and are struggling through various issues. I wish I had formulas, answers, resolutions for their struggles but the honest truth is sometimes you just have to simply keep going… when you’re feeling entirely empty, like, actually completely empty… you just keep going. And you’ll make it through. You will. Those rough nights that feel like they’re going to finish you off… you’ll make it. All of those stages and phases that make you want to hide in a dark room… you’ll survive them. The love you have for your kids is enough. I know it doesn’t always feel like it, but it really is.

You are enough, just as you are. You are good enough. You are loved by your children – in fact, you are their whole world. Give them the best of yourself each day – which sometimes means you simply survive a day together; everyone ate, drank and has clean bums (you and them!!)

Learn from others, sure! But be yourself, and give yourself some grace.

x

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When you don’t know what you’re doing

I had a big cry yesterday morning.

I felt so out of my depth, because no matter what approach I tried, I could neither stop my little boy from being angry and aggressive, nor could I comfort him. He was consistently rude, angry, aggressive both verbally and physically (thank goodness he’s still really little!) and neither my husband or I could do anything that made a difference to him. It was a very difficult day!

Every single thing you experience for the first time as a parent is, of course, brand new. And there are so many of those! Jon and I realised quite quickly that once you’ve actually given birth and everyone is deemed fit and well, you’re basically on your own, even in the hospital. I wish there was a manual that could be downloaded into your brain when you have a baby!

The feeling of being out of your depth doesn’t really ever go away, I think! It began from the birth of my eldest and continues to this day… as evidenced by yesterday’s experience.

The first 6 weeks of Livi’s little life we basically spent on Google. I can’t even remember all the crazy questions we typed in as we stumbled in the dark trying to find the best way forward. Simple things like how best to dress a newborn for bed time, or how do you know when to switch breast when feeding. Whether swaddling is good or bad, and how to help them sleep well once swaddling is no longer a safe option. And of course there are the more serious things to do with sickness and health issues. It was a crazy intense learning curve that just seemed (seems!) to go on and on!

When we had Toby we felt so much more confident, but then he turned out to be so different to Livi in almost every way, that we basically started from scratch again!

Our latest ‘new’ thing, appears to be night terrors. Well that’s just fun and games! Liv never had them, although she had plenty of disturbed nights and apparent bad dreams, but Toby has now had a couple and it’s just dreadful to observe.

Reading up on them, you’re advised not to try and wake the child but just let it run its course. 10 solid minutes of inconsolable sobbing whilst calling out my name… I held him, whispered gently, but he just didn’t calm. Then, out of nowhere and with no intervention from me, he stopped, and fell quiet. It happened again during the same night, and followed the same pattern. In fact I spent the entire time he was crying the second time comforting Livi, and covering her ears, as she was pretty disturbed by the whole thing.

We have found so many instances in trying to parent well, where we simply don’t know what to do. It’s quite scary actually! The last thing in the world we would want is to do something that will cause any kind of damage, or trauma, or even have a minor unfavourable impact on our children, but it seems there are just so many opportunities to get it wrong! It frightens me a little, I’ll be honest.

Especially when it comes to trying to guide behaviour. That’s an every minute of every day task at this age, and I still don’t really know if our methods are too gentle, too lenient, too controlling, too strong, or too anything! We don’t want to raise bratty children who think they can just do as they please and never face consequences, and we don’t want to raise children who can’t think or choose for themselves because they were constantly told off for exploring new behaviours, emotions, expression or even activities (like seeing if rice will fit snugly into their drinking straws *rolls eyes*). There must be a balance, but exhaustion and having to repeat yourself over and over again can eat away at your patience!

With every new experience comes an opportunity to explore, invest, engage and learn. Hard to do that when so very tired, but the opportunity remains, nonetheless. My current personal goal is to find the silver linings that must be outlining these clouds, and figure out what I can do with these opportunities that my children continually present me with! If you have any thoughts on the matter, let me know!

x

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Threenagers…

I was, and am, determined not to allow cultural expectations to dictate how my children live and progress through their early years. All these labels that people put on particular age brackets can make you expect certain behaviours, and I don’t think it’s a given that all two year olds have “terrible twos”, etc.

That said, “Threenager” is a pretty accurate label for my strong-willed, independent, rule-questioning, intelligent, articulate 3 and a half year old!

And I want to talk about it, because it can be a struggle.

It goes without saying that I love my big girl with literally my whole life, and she really is my dream come true. That was true the day we found out we were pregnant, true when I gave birth to her, and true throughout every moment of every day since.

I have encountered many other parents with children the same age as mine, and I hear the same things over and over again. Almost every 3 year old is challenging! I remind myself often that it is not her personality that challenges me, it her developmental stage (I hope). Now, I know that’s not an overarching excuse for unacceptable behaviour, like hitting, biting, shouting at me, throwing things (at me, or otherwise!) or pure unadulterated defiance, but knowing that just about every 3 year old’s parents are facing the same or very similar challenges helps me remember that they are learning, pushing boundaries and experiencing so many things for the first time. With guidance, patience and consistent boundaries (which is so much harder to do than to say!) they will emerge on the other side as much nicer little people… or so I have been told…!

Even today a friend of mine was describing her weekend with her almost 4 year old little boy. The battle of wills over almost every normal day-to-day thing like getting shoes on to go out… or the rolling of the eyes when asked to do something, or when they tell you to do something the way you sometimes tell them to do something but it sounds so awful when it comes out of their little mouths! “Mummy, sit down now!” “Not yet, I’m busy at the moment” “Shush, you’re not listening to me”. How do you respond to that, knowing they’ve heard it from you?!

Three is as hard as it is wonderful, and as wonderful as it is hard. I adore listening to her sing songs in the car, and get all the words right for the first time. She will, out of nowhere, tell me she loves me so so so so so so so so so much. She’ll tell me I’m her best friend. She’s becoming so creative, and so generous, and so kind. She’s incredibly sociable, loves people, and has the strength and determination to make a difference in the world. And I love her so stinking much!! But MAN when she’s defiant I don’t know what to do with myself! I dislike the behaviour, and quite often, I am very disappointed with my own response to that behaviour.

And again, as I’ve mentioned multiple times before, there is so much out there about how to navigate this, and how to understand what it is they are dealing with and experiencing. But in the every day moments when you’re almost late for work, or you’ve given them enough of a heads-up that the activity is about to change, or you’ve asked 15 times with ever increasing urgency… in those moments when you’re so tired and so fed up of being ignored, those strategies go right out of the window.

I’m not actually complaining, for the record! I just know that this stuff doesn’t really get said publicly very often, and I want to be a bit of a voice for those who can relate to how this feels, and what it’s like day in day out, and again say ‘you’re not alone’.

Whatever age your kids are, parenting is glorious and parenting is tough.

And in my opinion. if you’re trying your best to do what’s best for them, you’re winning.

Sometimes, I don’t feel like I’m winning. But I’m choosing to believe that I am, and I will tell myself again, ‘I am a good mum’.

You, are a good mum. ❤

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Your story is your own

Parenting can be a very lonely experience.

Parents often feel incapable, unworthy, guilty, and therefore can feel like they are being judged for every and any decision they make, or don’t make.

Different and sometimes opposing ‘parenting styles’ and methods are everywhere, and ‘guaranteed’ formulas for sleeping, feeding, nursing, optimal one on one play time, nursery or no nursery, discipline, boundaries… the list goes on and on.

Some parents have help and support from family members.  Some parents have no one. Some parents have interfering and unwelcome ‘help’, while others are crying out for just half an hour away from their kids.

Everyone’s story is different. No two families are the same. No wonder we can feel so alone. And yet, when I’ve opened up to other mums in a moment of ‘I have nothing left’, I’ve found some solidarity.

Vulnerability and honesty about what we’re experiencing is so important.  We become seen. Our feelings are valid.

The reality of parenting came as a shock to me. I had spent my whole adult life longing to be a mum, to have a family.  It didn’t happen for me until my late 30s. Married in 2020, first baby born June 2021 when I was 39. I had dreamt and imagined what it would be like. I desperately wanted to experience pregnancy, and childbirth. I wanted it all! I had friends who had had kids, and I’d seen that it was tough. I knew there would be a lot of sleepless nights. I knew breastfeeding might not be straightforward. I was ready for it!

The elation that came with that positive pregnancy test was indescribable; it was literally ALL I had ever wanted.

I felt so sick for 3 months straight, and was utterly exhausted.

Second trimester was better, and seeing the bump develop and ultimately feeling her moving about was magical!

Third trimester I WAS HEAVY. Back pain, hip pain, couldn’t sleep on my tummy anymore (devastated!) Still utterly exhausted.

Then at 41 weeks and after 2 sweeps I went into 28 hours of labour with no pain relief until hour 23. Not because I’m brave, but because my birthing notes were not very clear and gave the impression I didn’t want an epidural. Gas and air made me sick. 2 pethidine injections had no effect. I felt like my entire lower back and bowel were going to explode out of my backside… NOT the area of my body I was expecting to feel the pain! After 23 hours an epidural came to the rescue, and I was like a new woman. But then, because I couldn’t feel anything down below, when it was time to push I couldn’t push hard enough! Believe me, I gave it everything I had, but after being awake for 36 hours and in indescribable pain for 23 of them, the everything that I had simply wasn’t enough.

My baby girl was born 5 hours later by forceps, after an episiotomy and an internal tear, and losing over a litre of blood, which my husband watched the medical staff sweep up off the floor below the bed…!

The day we brought our bundle of gorgeousness home, we fell into bed that night and I didn’t even make it onto my pillow properly before being out for the count.

Then. Out of nowhere there was the most terrifyingly loud and piercing screaming sound which had me bolt upright in less than a second! She was hungry. I fed her. She fell asleep, so I put her in her little next to me cot, and lay back down.  She cried. And cried. And cried. I sat up, still exhausted from the whole birth experience – and let’s be honest – 9 months of pregnancy, and tried to cradle my tiny, fragile baby back to sleep sitting up in bed. I stayed like that all night, not knowing what else to do.

And that’s when I realised I had no idea what to expect, what to do, or how to even be a parent. And I also realised that there was now going to be zero let up… every moment of every day and every night was now dedicated to the care of this tiny person.

It’s like nothing else I’d ever done.

The midwives said to me just before I left the hospital “see you in a couple of years for the next one” I laughed in their faces and swore blind I was NEVER doing that again.

8 months later I was pregnant – by choice – with number 2.

Three and a half years later we have a very sassy 3 and a half year old girl, and a very sweet and kind 2 year old boy. (Labour with him was actually worse, it was only 3 and a half hours long but I’d never felt pain like it, again had no pain relief, had another episiotomy, was delivered with forceps, and lost even more blood than the first time!)

We are stopping there!

My experience is just my experience. Some women have had to endure so much more than I did, and for others labour was a joyous walk in the park.

But all of this to say, I thought I knew what to expect. I did not.

Early newborn days, developmental leaps, regressions, illnesses, weaning, the commencement of meltdowns. Every new thing was googled googled googled!

But guess what? Read enough articles and you get conflicting advice, varying levels of helpfulness, and blog posts telling you that it worked for them so it will work for you.

Parenting is trial and error. Every new mum and / or dad is doing every single element of parenting for the first time. There really is no manual for a newborn. Or, as we are discovering now, there isn’t really one for toddlers or preschoolers either!

Whatever your story, know that while your experiences are your own, you are not alone in the feelings that accompany them. You are enough, and your little ones think the world of you.