I don’t know what it will be like when they’re older, but these early years hit all the extremes. Usually on a daily basis. ‘It goes so fast!’ parents of grown up children will tell you, ‘make the most of it while they’re little!’ and you know it’s true, and you know you want to take in every precious moment, but you also know you want this current rotten phase to be over with as soon as possible! Sleep regressions in particular are killer in the first couple of years, and yet so many wonderful ‘firsts’ also happen in this period of time! Precious, but tricky.

The state of my house was an issue that got me feeling very low. I became very proud of my home when I was able to buy my own for the first time, and I liked things to be in their right place. Getting married gave me a certain amount of practice in dealing with things not being quite in my right place(!) but that was NOTHING compared to when the house was saturated with baby things and all that comes with bringing a baby into your home. And having no time or energy to do the dishes, clean the kitchen or the bathroom, hoover all the floors, or put the dry laundry away… it started to get on top of me practically and emotionally. (For the record, my husband is a wonderful support and an equal partner in all these things, but he too was exhausted and learning to be a dad.)

And those feelings made me feel guilty (again! Gotta love the old mum-guilt). I felt guilty that I’d rather be cleaning my house than having to contact nap my baby girl who for a long time would only go to sleep when being held. Was that resentment I detected in my heart, while I was sat down on the sofa wishing I could lay her down and just do some jobs? And yet, at the same time, as I listened to her breathe deeply and watched her sleep soundly, I knew she felt safe, because of me. Precious and tricky.

All those ‘firsts’ we long for and look forward to experiencing… just watching and waiting for that first smile, first word, first step, first mouthful of solid food, first real cuddle, and that all-glorious moment they say “mama” for the first time! My Liv, she said “mam-mia” and we have it on video and my husband and I watch it back quite often! Every one of those moments is so incredibly special. Now, if I hear “MUMMY” or “MUM” less than 100 times a day, it must be because they’re in nursery. Those first words quickly include the word “NO” and those first steps soon need to be guarded with stairgates, corner protectors, cupboard locks and rearranging living areas! Those first mouthfuls of food often become spat out on the tray, or thrown on the floor, and those first cuddles quickly become whiny demands to be carried when you already have your hands full of their stuff and a bad back from all that twisty car seat loading and awkward positions! Precious, but tricky.

That first smile though, that never changes. Those smiles, are like gold dust sprinkled all over my heart.

I take many many photos of my kids. I do understand the approach that says if you take too many photos you’ll miss the actual moments and won’t be present for them, but for me, they are memories. Baby brain has been a real thing for me, and my memory has been affected by it. I take photos so I can look back and remember all the extraordinarily happy times we have together. The challenges will change as my children grow, and the memory of the earlier challenges will fade away, but the precious memories of when they have been little, and learning, and needing me, and wanting me, and us doing so many new things together, they will never fade away. Precious, tricky, and normal. x