Tag: life

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One Year On…

It’s been a year since I posted. Not because there’s been nothing to say, but life took an unexpected and significant turn one year ago. The details of this change don’t need to be recorded here, except to say that it was work related and resulted in what turned out to be a year long adjustment and a new way of living. And here we are, one year later, and I finally have a moment to sit here with my laptop pondering on our life with two small – but ever growing – children.

Last time I wrote, I had an almost four year old, and a very nearly 2 and a half year old. Now of course, they are nearly five, and approaching 3 and a half, and what a difference one year makes.

Livi is now bossing her way through Reception, and doing a smashing job with her phonics, numbers, and writing her name (and her friends’ names) and Toby has joined the nursery at the same school and can also, to my astonishment and delight, write his name too! They are both thriving at school and I’m chuffed to bits about it, as that’s not everyone’s story, of course.

So what are my current parenting challenges? Well, I’ll tell you. Liv (almost 5) is testing every boundary known to man. And doesn’t listen. Like, ever. And Toby, who was fully toilet trained within 2 weeks of starting school nursery, now has ‘accidents’ at least two times a day every day, because he’s busy and can’t be bothered to tell us he needs a wee. Oh, and also doesn’t listen. Like, ever.

I never wanted to be a shouty mum, and before kids I think I subconsciously judged parents who seemingly couldn’t control their children. I didn’t know I was doing that, but I always had this idea of the mum I would be. Alas. LOL. Sometimes I shout just to be heard. Sometimes I shout to make a point. Sometimes I should because I’m losing my mind and just WANT YOU TO GET YOUR TOP ON!!!

My children are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and one year on from my last post, I can tell you I am seeing sooooo much more of their characters and personalities, their preferences and desires, their goals and their learning styles and I am overwhelmed and overjoyed by the wonder of who they are. And, thanks to grow clocks, I am also sleeping a little better as they don’t come in to our room until 6.25am each morning… which is a MIRACLE.

Life is different, and wonderful. But no less challenging than it was one year ago. And to all you awesome parents out there who are wondering if you are alone, if you’re the only ones going through what you’re going through, let me tell you, you are not.

I’m a huge over sharer, and I love to engage on a real, honest and deep level with the people in my circle – usually mums the same situation as me. So I hear a lot from other mums about how they’re doing. And you know what I’ve realised? Yes, mum guilt / shame is a real thing, but actually, the thing that we feel the most is a deep disappointment in our own parenting. Every day I am disappointed in myself for one reason or another. Every day I do or say something that I instantly regret. But my LOVE for my children is without end and without limit. WHY do I say, or do, things that I am disappointed in myself for?! Because I’m a tired human with traumas and challenges and issues of my own, that will shape my responses to my own glorious, triggering, wonderful, frustrating, miniature versions of myself that I am responsible for 24/7.

They are a GIFT from God to us, and I would literally die for them. In an instant. But also, EAT YOUR DAMN TEA. I would defend them from every attacker at the cost of my life, my reputation, my dignity. But also, PUT YOUR FRIGGIN SHOES ON.
I would give up every single thing I have if it would benefit them somehow. But also, CLEAN YOUR TEETH OR THEY’RE GONNA FALL OUT!

Parenting NEVER relents.

It doesn’t give you a break.

And I had no idea at all of the intenseness of this reality until I birthed my eldest, and from that first moment with a newborn in the hospital, until today, I have not stopped giving every ounce of myself to their wellbeing. It is costly. Unbelievably costly. I’m not complaining, I’m just acknowledging. I don’t regret it, I just realise I had NO IDEA until it was my reality. I wouldn’t change it. I was about to say I just wish someone would have told me… but even that would not have given me any clue as to the level of sacrifice it takes to be a parent.

So, I don’t have a theme, or a summary, or a clever conclusion to these musings, what’s written speaks for itself. But to those of you in a similar boat – my friends, you are not alone. You are not weird, you are not failing, you are not crap… you are giving your all to the mini you(s) in your life, and as unseen and unappreciated as you may feel, you are their world, and they love you more than life itself. That is a treasure worth everything. Keep going. You’re doing good.

Everyone is doing their best with what they know and the tools they have. Be kind. Mostly, to yourself. ❤

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The days are long, but the years are short… cherish every moment

The days are long but the years are short.

This is so true! Already I’m planning for Livi’s 4th birthday, and she was only born 15 minutes ago. My tiny wee girl who had me up 10 times a night, every night, for almost 2 years straight and I thought I’d never sleep again, is heading to school in September… how is that even possible?!

I was chatting with a colleague recently, a dad who has older boys, and he was waxing lyrical about how quickly it all goes by. He stopped working for a number of years in order to raise his lads, and he took on other people’s kids too, as a childminder. Telling me stories about rushing here there any everywhere to get the shopping in and get them from nursery and do all the things a parent has to do in the 24 hours a day we are given. And yet now, with his lads in their twenties, how quickly that time went by.

I was grateful for the reminder. The days can feel sooooo long that you’re praying for bedtime to come, but at the same time, Liv’s going to school in September, and I know that once we enter that stage of life, it’s just going to fly by. School days, extra curricular activities, play dates, going to friends’ for dinner… whilst the challenges of parenting remain, I have a feeling I’m going to be desperate for the passing of time to slow down.

Friends who have little girls who are 8 now, sending me photos with captions about how big they are and how they wish they’d stop growing.

I’ve experienced many things in life, I’ve had many opportunities before settling down into marriage and babies, but nothing compares to the fragility and joy of how I have felt as a parent. I’ve seen the worst and the best of myself. I’ve had that desperate “stop the world I want to get off!” feeling, and that deep knowing that I would die for my kids if it came to it. Most days I collapse into bed absolutely wrecked, and so thankful the day is done, but then scroll through photos of my babies whilst missing them when they’re asleep.

I don’t think there’s anything that can compare to it. The highs and lows of this extraordinary rollercoaster called parenting. And I guess depending on your own upbringing, expectations, experiences, filters, culture, and so on, each of us will judge ourselves differently, and have different values for what ‘successful’ parenting looks like. And when I miss the mark that I have subconsciously set myself, that’s when I become my most fragile – because I care more deeply about loving my children well than about anything else, and my apparent failures in that area can knock me for six.

BUT! Simply knowing that that is the case, tells me I’m not doing too badly, because my kids are kind, affectionate, brave, clever, creative, silly, cheeky, hilariously funny at times, and they care about other people. They can be proper little monkeys of course, but that’s the universal right of kids, isn’t it!

It’s emotionally draining, and in the early years at least, it’s physically draining too, but oh my goodness, it is SO worth it. I’m reminding myself to not wish the time away, even though it can be difficult, but to savour every precious moment of them needing and wanting me, because I know it’s not going to last forever.

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Authentic Parenting… please, just be yourself

Mama, please just be yourself. Be your best self, for your little ones, but be yourself. And actually, you amazing dads who just want to do your very best for your kids, same goes for you!

It’s just starting to dawn on me that the best way I can be consistent in my parenting, is to actually be me. No parent is perfect, no method is fool proof, no technique is guaranteed, and no particular style has the same effect on every child. So rather than add to the confusion by trying to imitate someone else, or tie yourself in knots trying to stick to a certain way of doing things that isn’t natural to you, why not just parent from the inside out.

You know you, and you know your child(ren) better than any internet parenting guru. Of course there are some helpful ideas and studies available, but they cannot replace your experience, your intuition, and your knowledge of your tiny human.

I have a number of friends who have different ages of kids, and I admire the parenting skills of many of them. I find myself trying to channel my inner *enter name here* and parent my kids like they parent theirs. But I can’t do it consistently, so I feel like I’m confusing my kids more by demonstrating different behaviours myself.

So I’m coming to the conclusion that I shall simply be me. On good days and hard days, on days where I’m oozing affection and days where I feel like I’m losing my mind, I’m going to let my kids see me.

Children become what they see, not what they are told to be. So if I’m trying to be like someone else, who are they imitating? Or worse, will they learn that there’s no value to who they are, and that they too should try to be like some else? If they see me happy, and sad, and tired, and excited etc, so basically just being real, perhaps they will learn that their own feelings are also valid and nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t know, that’s just a thought.

My heart is with a few of my friends who have very little ones and are struggling through various issues. I wish I had formulas, answers, resolutions for their struggles but the honest truth is sometimes you just have to simply keep going… when you’re feeling entirely empty, like, actually completely empty… you just keep going. And you’ll make it through. You will. Those rough nights that feel like they’re going to finish you off… you’ll make it. All of those stages and phases that make you want to hide in a dark room… you’ll survive them. The love you have for your kids is enough. I know it doesn’t always feel like it, but it really is.

You are enough, just as you are. You are good enough. You are loved by your children – in fact, you are their whole world. Give them the best of yourself each day – which sometimes means you simply survive a day together; everyone ate, drank and has clean bums (you and them!!)

Learn from others, sure! But be yourself, and give yourself some grace.

x

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Threenagers…

I was, and am, determined not to allow cultural expectations to dictate how my children live and progress through their early years. All these labels that people put on particular age brackets can make you expect certain behaviours, and I don’t think it’s a given that all two year olds have “terrible twos”, etc.

That said, “Threenager” is a pretty accurate label for my strong-willed, independent, rule-questioning, intelligent, articulate 3 and a half year old!

And I want to talk about it, because it can be a struggle.

It goes without saying that I love my big girl with literally my whole life, and she really is my dream come true. That was true the day we found out we were pregnant, true when I gave birth to her, and true throughout every moment of every day since.

I have encountered many other parents with children the same age as mine, and I hear the same things over and over again. Almost every 3 year old is challenging! I remind myself often that it is not her personality that challenges me, it her developmental stage (I hope). Now, I know that’s not an overarching excuse for unacceptable behaviour, like hitting, biting, shouting at me, throwing things (at me, or otherwise!) or pure unadulterated defiance, but knowing that just about every 3 year old’s parents are facing the same or very similar challenges helps me remember that they are learning, pushing boundaries and experiencing so many things for the first time. With guidance, patience and consistent boundaries (which is so much harder to do than to say!) they will emerge on the other side as much nicer little people… or so I have been told…!

Even today a friend of mine was describing her weekend with her almost 4 year old little boy. The battle of wills over almost every normal day-to-day thing like getting shoes on to go out… or the rolling of the eyes when asked to do something, or when they tell you to do something the way you sometimes tell them to do something but it sounds so awful when it comes out of their little mouths! “Mummy, sit down now!” “Not yet, I’m busy at the moment” “Shush, you’re not listening to me”. How do you respond to that, knowing they’ve heard it from you?!

Three is as hard as it is wonderful, and as wonderful as it is hard. I adore listening to her sing songs in the car, and get all the words right for the first time. She will, out of nowhere, tell me she loves me so so so so so so so so so much. She’ll tell me I’m her best friend. She’s becoming so creative, and so generous, and so kind. She’s incredibly sociable, loves people, and has the strength and determination to make a difference in the world. And I love her so stinking much!! But MAN when she’s defiant I don’t know what to do with myself! I dislike the behaviour, and quite often, I am very disappointed with my own response to that behaviour.

And again, as I’ve mentioned multiple times before, there is so much out there about how to navigate this, and how to understand what it is they are dealing with and experiencing. But in the every day moments when you’re almost late for work, or you’ve given them enough of a heads-up that the activity is about to change, or you’ve asked 15 times with ever increasing urgency… in those moments when you’re so tired and so fed up of being ignored, those strategies go right out of the window.

I’m not actually complaining, for the record! I just know that this stuff doesn’t really get said publicly very often, and I want to be a bit of a voice for those who can relate to how this feels, and what it’s like day in day out, and again say ‘you’re not alone’.

Whatever age your kids are, parenting is glorious and parenting is tough.

And in my opinion. if you’re trying your best to do what’s best for them, you’re winning.

Sometimes, I don’t feel like I’m winning. But I’m choosing to believe that I am, and I will tell myself again, ‘I am a good mum’.

You, are a good mum. ❤