As my second pregnancy progressed, the bump started to show, and the aches and pains started to make me less able to play with my little girl, the little whispering voices of guilt started to make gains on my attention. When so many of my interactions with her became “I’m sorry sweetheart, mummy can’t do that right now”… “Babe, mummy is a bit too tired to play that”… “Go ask daddy, he’ll help with that”… it began to eat at me that we may have made a horrible mistake in having another baby.

Have we ruined her life? All that one on one time she will have had with us for 17 months will simply cease to exist. And not only will she have to share me now, but baby boy’s needs will sometimes take priority over hers. Will she hate him? Will she hate ME?

Livi fell in love with my bump. She cuddled into it, stroked it, and I’m pretty sure she understood there was a baby in there even though she was still really little. She tried to say “baby Toby” and it came out “bae Toa” which was just adorable. But I knew she had no concept of what was to come once he was born.

I cried a lot as the end of my second pregnancy approached. I loved my girl so so so much, and whilst I wasn’t worried that I wouldn’t love my little boy as much, which I know can be a fear for a lot of mums who are having their second baby, I didn’t know how I was going to give them both what they needed and deserved. I was already exhausted; I had nothing left, but they deserved everything.

I was in hospital a couple of nights and our very close friends looked after Livi while we had Toby. When it was time, dad went home to her, and soon after brought her to the hospital to collect us. It was the only time in her little life we had been apart from one another for any length of time, and the look of disgust and betrayal on her face when she saw me with another baby broke my heart. She wouldn’t come to me. That was the final straw in the mountain of guilt straws!

It took a few days for her to fully warm back to me, and those days were the most painful and guilt ridden days I have ever experienced. She loved her little brother from the moment we were back in our own home and she sat in front of his little car seat in the lounge (having just come in from the car, don’t panic, he wasn’t there long), stroking his tiny hands, looking at her daddy saying “bae Toa” on repeat. Delightful. But the deep connection she and I had had took some rebuilding.

But rebuilt it was. The guilt subsided and feelings of wholeness replaced them. Our little family felt complete. I gradually started to understand that it was GOOD. She had a new little best pal to dote on. These days, she has a little best pal to order around! They love each other SO much (and also fight a lot), and I know now that we did not ruin her life, we made it even more glorious and full of adventure! And that gorgeous little lad has the most wonderful big sister to care for him, protect him (which I have no doubt she will as they get older!) and teach him new ways to play (and new boundaries to push). She’s so creative, such a great problem solver, and so incredibly sociable, I have a feeling that if we hadn’t given her a sibling she’d be somewhat bereft! And, for the record, she and I are as close as we could be.

As I’ve said before, everyone’s story is their own, and every family is different.

But if you’ve felt or are feeling guilt, or any kind of apprehension around what effect having another baby might have on your first, I just want to offer some encouragement that whilst those feelings are intense and real and very very valid, don’t let them steal too much joy from you. From what I have seen and read of others’ experiences over the few years I’ve been aware of parenting struggles, and of course my own, I am confident for you, that it will be worth it. x