Sometimes I miss my little boy, even when he’s in the room. He’s so chill, and usually pretty content to potter on. A firstborn girl and a second born boy seems to create a well known dynamic, where she, for want of a better expression, rules the roost and he just learns to go with that flow.

Being able to express her needs and wants far more articulately than he, and also having had a large portion of life where her needs were the only ones I needed to meet, makes it hard for her to understand that he has mummy-needs too.

Another difference between them is that her sleep routine requires me to lie with her until she falls asleep, but he is quite happy to get into his bed and drift off himself. Dad stays with him in the room until he’s fallen asleep, but he’d be ok if he didn’t.

The first 17 months of Liv’s life were so precious, as it was one on one all the time. And when I found out I was pregnant when she was 8 months old, I knew we were on limited time for that level of attention. I did my best to make the most of that time, through the sleepless nights, the physical discomfort, and the development of wailing meltdowns! It was a very very special and unique time for us.

That new born phase with Toby went as new born phases do… they demand a lot of your attention while they are so fragile and rely on you for everything. About 6 months in my experience. And Liv coped with that time really really well. She got sad sometimes, when I had to feed Toby and couldn’t do water play with her, of course, but she did pretty well and always loved him.

But once he was a bit older they started to compete and battle over me. I’ve learned that when there’s an escalation like that I just sit on the floor, legs astride, and invite them onto one leg each, and have them cuddle in and calm down. “Two legs, two babies”, I say to them. “There’s always room for you both.” (I’m not sure how parents with more than two children do it!)

I wish I could also have had 18 months one on one with my boy. The things I learned about Livi when she was little, the times we contact napped and I could just watch her sleep, and listen to her little gurgles and tiny sounds. The investment in her weaning process, the dancing to Hey Bear dancing fruits on YouTube and her giggling her head off as we pranced around the lounge. I didn’t get any of that with Toby because every time I tried, Liv wanted in on it. He didn’t miss out on the fun, but more often than not it was Daddy who did it with him, because Liv would melt down if I didn’t do it with her.

I know what you’re thinking, I should have stuck to my guns and held that boundary, but in the moment it’s not that easy. Toby was so little he didn’t mind who flew him around like a rocket, he was just happy to play, and I didn’t want to turn a happy play time into another toddler tantrum. It’s not an easy balance! I remember very little about Toby’s first year because it was such a whirlwind of survival.

For anyone who has two under two, it does get better! I feel like we have exited survival mode and are moving into a more sustainable, happy, not-just-longing-for-bedtime stage! I’ve even found time to cook actual meals recently, and of course, have the headspace to actually form written sentences for this blog! I couldn’t have even imagined doing this, 6 months ago.

The love you have for your kids is unrivalled and unparalleled, and you find a way of meeting their needs. There is no perfect parent, and we’re all just doing the best we can! I look at my boy sometimes and the smile he gives me assures me that he knows he is so loved. It also assures me that I am loved by him, too. Will I get everything right? Absolutely not. Am I trying my hardest to make good choices for them? 100%.

Two kids who aren’t quite the same age, but live through overlapping phases is a lot. But I am so glad we did it this way. Yes, it was deliberate, yes, it was a choice. Having 4 years of broken sleep seemed like a better choice than getting back to a good rhythm and then starting all over again a couple of years later! And, as much as they get in each other’s space and get frustrated with each other, they are absolutely each other’s best friend. I hope no one ever bullies Toby because Liv would eat them alive!

This life Jon and I have chosen, I love it. I love my husband even though we still barely have uninterrupted conversations, I love our two little creations, and I love our family. Is it very hard? Yes. Do I cry sometimes feeling utterly overwhelmed? Yes. Would I do it all over again if I knew then what I know now? Yes.

Have kids, they said… it’ll be fun, they said!